Thursday, October 6, 2016

Defining INTEGRITY for the Next Generation of Multi-potentialites

I was told when I get older, all my fears would shrink, but now I'm insecure, and I care what people think...-Blurry Face, Stressed Out

Iyanla Vanzant defines INTEGRITY as: The willingness to be diligent in giving your best, first to yourself, then everyone else.  She also goes on to explain the relationship between "integrity" and "alignment" by stating in her "House of Healing," that integrity is best exhibited when what you are thinking, what you are feeling, what you are saying and what you are doing, are all in alignment.  This is what determines the trajectory of your life.  Integrity is the key ingredient in living a fulfilled life, where you are proud of your choices and circumstances. If I had this compass earlier on in life, I can think of several mistakes I would not have made personally, professionally and spiritually.  I began to walk in integrity thanks to the guidance of one of my mentors, around the age of 27.  One July afternoon, when I expressed to her how frustrated I was with the choices I was making with men, my career, and my spirituality, she cautioned me that what I "said" I wanted was not congruent with the choices I was making.  She challenged me to write lists of everything I wanted in a man, in a career, and in a spiritual life (i.e. place of worship, corporate worship experience, etc.)  As you can imagine, as a multi-potentialite, what I said I wanted out of a career and spirituality look a lot different today.  However, I still have the notebook page where I drafted every single quality and characteristic that I had to have in a man.  When I started dating my husband, a long-time friend of 9 years, prior to dating, he met all 25 qualities and characteristics on that sheet.  Finding authentic love in him, started me on a path of integrity in other areas of my life.

So this leads me to the thought: how do I raise a multi-potentialite (which I'm almost positive my daughter is), or any child, for that matter, to let integrity guide their life in keeping what they believe in alignment with their words and actions.  I believe there are 3 guiding principals that we can use to raise up a generation of multipods, who will live with integrity and stand for what is right.  They stem from the old teaching adage, "I do, WE do, YOU do!"  This is how I learn, this always worked for me in the classroom, and parenting is still new to me, so all I can do is learn, share and go with what I know in the process of parenting, intentionally.


I DO...
Many children are born with the notion that there are no limits to what they can become.  They watch TV, they interact with peers in childcare, they see what the world has to offer and they verbalize the desire to become what they see.  Many will say, "I want to be a veterinarian like Doc McStuffins" or; "I want to be a superhero like Captain America" or; "I want to be a barber like uncle Mike."  And what do we as adults DO?  Often times, we are dream killers.  We tell them, that they can do better than cutting hair for a living, or that being a superhero is an unrealistic dream, or that very few people make it in the NFL or the NBA.  Or worse yet, that GIRLS will never be strong enough to play major league baseball.  We destroy our children's self-esteem before they even begin to develop skills skills or process what they are passionate about.  What we actually need to DO, is to affirm our kids daily and support their dreams.  I tell my daughter every day that I love her.  I call her beautiful every chance that I get.  Thanks to the VeggieTales, I have the tagline ingrained in her, "God made you special and He loves you very much!" And when she says she wants to be something different every single day, from a firefighter to a mermaid, I tell her that she can be ANYTHING she wants to be, and I will help her get there if she works hard and gives it her all.  And I don't just say it, I mean it!  Now if she says she wants to be something that is illegal, then we need to have another set of conversations.  But, everything else is fair game.

In addition to our responsibility to sow self-esteem into the next generation, we have the burden to model integrity for them.  If they see what we DO is not consistent with what we BELIEVE, or SAY, or TELL THEM or even POST (yeah, I said it), they will see us as liars and we will lose their respect, early.  But what's worse is that we will teach them how to lie, and hide behind masks and put up facades to hide the pain that adults refuse to deal with.  In the formative years, one of the most important things we can give our kids is a model of integrity to shape their behavior.  This is especially essential in the digital age.

WE DO...
As children grow older, it is important to incorporate them into many aspects of "adulting" that will help them to build self-efficacy in preparation for adulthood.  We can rest assure that if "WE," the adults, are not teaching our children how to be adults, their friends certainly will.  I learned what feminine products were, how to shave my legs, and how to know when I needed my first bra, all from my friends.  Now I'm not saying I have the magic bullet to prevent your kids from taking bad advice from their friends.  All I'm saying is that if we develop lines of communication early, and "safe places" for our kids to consult with us before the more complicated things arise later on, we can at least have a seat at the table in helping our kids learn the basics, and grow into beings that care for themselves and love themselves, in a healthy way.

I found that as my daughter started walking and talking proficiently, there were things she would try to help with that I wouldn't let her do, out of fear.  I was always worried she would get hurt, or make an even bigger mess.  I try not to let fear be the guiding principal in any area of my life now, but especially in the area of parenting.  So now, when I'm in the kitchen, I let her come in and stir the bowl, add the seasonings, and set the table with her tea party set.  I let her help me sort the "lights" and "darks" and put the wet clothes in the dryer from the washing machine.  I let her determine what book she wants for story time instead of choosing it for her, and after I read the book to her, I let her read it back to me (even if she is just going from memory).  I set a box up with her art supplies so that she can choose what she wants to cut, color, and glue, instead of me dictating her creativity in every imaginable way.  Every time she does something well, she cheers and does a dance! Sometimes she even sings, "I did it, I did it!" We have celebrated her victories and gains, both large and small, since her birth, and now she has learned how to celebrate herself and have the confidence to DO!

YOU DO...
Here comes the toughest part...letting go and letting them soar!  A large part of children exhibiting integrity in their adulthood, when the safety net is gone and the training wheels are off, comes from them having the opportunity to make strong choices and poor choices in their youth, while we are still there to protect them.  When I was in 9th grade, my best friend had a co-ed birthday, dance party.  There were adults there (i.e. her uncle was the DJ and her oldest sister was our chaperone), so when my dad dropped me off, he trusted that I would be in good hands.  As soon as all the kids were there, they started passing around beer.  I tasted it, decided back then that Budweiser was gross, and never had beer again in high school.  I actually went all through college as the designated driver for my friends, and got yelled at all night, the night of my 21st birthday, because I refused to take a single shot.  In my adulthood, I finally decided to drink (law school drove me to it), and I can tell you, drinking like an adult is not drinking like a college student.  I've only been sick and hungover once in my entire life.  I say all that to say, my dad knew when he picked me up, that I had been drinking beer.  We talked about it, I told him it was gross and I never wanted to drink it again, and he challenged me that night, to think for myself, and not follow the crowd when it came to substance abuse for the rest of my teenage years.

The way he handled that incident, and the fact that he was actually back there at 11 p.m. to pick me up, speaks volumes about some of the trouble that I was able to avoid in life, because my parents gave me the room to learn and grow, on my own.  Parenting is hard, and I won't pretend to have all the answers; no one does.  But I will tell you that raising a child with integrity, intentionally, takes a lot of commitment, dedication, and sincerity.  But what it requires the most is LOVE.  Love bears all things, endures all things, and repairs all things.  Love your children enough to let them see you interact with others in a healthy, responsible way.  Love them unconditionally, so that they will feel safe enough to share their mistakes instead of trying to hide everything from you.  Love your kids enough to expose them to the truth about the world, and prepare them to go out in it.  Love your kids into the successful (however they define it) adults that they want to be (even if its not what you want for them.)  Love is the serum to cure insecurity, hatred, fear, doubt, shame and failure.  All hope is not loss for the next generation.  We have the power to raise up mighty little people who can do more than we ever imagined for ourselves if we give them the tools they need to have faith in themselves.

And now, these three remain: faith, hope, and love; but the greatest of these is LOVE...-1 Cor. 13:13

No comments:

Post a Comment