Dear Younger Me...

A while back, a friend asked me to create this blog entry about what I would tell to the younger version of myself.  I thought long and hard and had a really hard time coming up with just the right words, worth reading.  I guess that was the first mistake I made…overthinking it.  I tend to spend far too much time worrying about how people will “take things” before I just express what I’m truly thinking or feeling.  Maybe that’s why my blog entries are so few and far between.  I talk myself out of 70% of them.  Truth is, the spirit of God speaks to the hearts of man, and each person receives what I share in a way that speaks specifically to them, so my fear is unfounded, as fear often is.  But I digressed – back to me! 

I spent a lot of time after law school fantasizing about what it would be like to go back to undergrad with the knowledge of the world that I have at the present.  I wondered which guys I would’ve avoided, and which ones I would’ve entertained.  I wondered what I would’ve “majored” and “minored” in, both literally and metaphorically.  I wondered what I would’ve done after college, instead, and how that would’ve shaped who I have become, versus the path that I actually took.  This way of thinking often leads to regrets and unrealistically fantasies of how much better my life would’ve been if I made better choices – mostly better financial decisions!  But while moping down “what if” lane, I’m often snapped back into the reality that is present, and I think about how truly blessed I am in every way imaginable. 

I think about how I am heavy-laden with graduate school debt, and yet there isn’t a single day that I go without my basic needs met, while still acquiring a lot of my luxurious “wants.”  I think about how amazing my work culture is, and how I would not know how to appreciate it the way I do, without all of my less than favorable work environments in the past.   I think about how my daughter is my life-line and makes me a better person every single day, as I revel in the joy of being her mom.  What really gets my praise party started is when I think about the absolutely, amazing man and father that is my husband.  It is like God handcrafted him just for me, and there is no way I would be able to actually appreciate that without all of the mismatched relationships of my past.  Talk about a paradigm shift!

The most important thing about my colorful past is that every decision made, both foolish and wise, led me to a deeper, more substantive relationship with my Creator!  And it’s amazing when I think about how all the blessings mentioned above have contributed to the greatest blessing of them all: authentic relationships, in general.  I judge less, I care more, I give more, I worry less, I complain less, I pray more! So when I think back at all the hurt and pain of my past, I realize that it wouldn’t make sense for me to go back and share anything with “my younger me” except words of encouragement to keep pressing forward in the journey that will continue to lead me on the path towards eternal life.  When we think about how short our time is on this earth, and how important it is for us to complete the mission that the Creator has designated for us to complete, there is no point in lamenting the past.  Pressing toward the mark for our higher calling is what it’s all about.

In the song, “Dear Younger Me,” by MercyMe, the writer starts by expressing that if he could share what he knew of all the painful memories running through his head, the younger version of himself could be one step ahead to avoid it all.  He follows by questioning if he should try to change the choices that were made, but realized that if he did, he would change the “me” he is today!  Therein lies the problem with trying to change the past.  If he never experienced those growing pains, he could’ve never written this beautiful song that has inspired this post and thousands of other reflections, I imagine.  Of course, there are plenty things about the past that I would’ve loved to change, but instead, I have the luxury of laying those things at the cross, and looking forward; every moment one step closer to who I’m meant to be.  Without struggle there’s little progress, and with healing, often comes growth.  So I’ll end with this:

“Dear Younger Me,

You are good enough, right now!  Every experience you have already overcome and are going to face in the future will make you better, stronger, and ultimately saved.  But who you are today, deserves love, compassion and high regard!  You are victorious, and as long as you cling to God, you will never be alone.  You are a warrior and your end will not come until your mission is complete.  So work hard, fear less, live strong, and always keep believing; for where there is life, there is hope!  I am SO proud of you!”

With Lots of Love & Sincerity,

Shwanda T. Barnette, J.D.

12/31/16